A Heavy Load

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Do you guys ever stop to think:

“Man, what would I do if I straight up pooped my pants right now?”

Seriously, what would you do?

Like, you’re just sitting at work and for whatever reason, you just poop your pants. Maybe it was a fart you shouldn’t have trusted. Maybe some sort of gastric bug finally achieved its final form. Maybe your brain just disconnected from your body for a little bit to take a smoke break only to come back and find you soiled and sobbing. How do you react to that? Regardless as to why, how do you react if you suddenly find yourself dropping the dumplings in the fryer?
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Breaking Coverage: This Week People Get Straight F***in’ WRECKED from Behind

Interesting trend in covers this week. It seems many people just wanted to go about their day and enjoy their lives when suddenly SOMEONE SNEAKS UP BEHIND THEM AND FUCKS ‘EM UP PROPER.

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Me thinks comic characters really need to be more aware of their surroundings.

I like to think this is a metaphor and the comics industry is trying to keep us mindful of the truth. It’s a new year, and we’re all making resolutions or introspectively planning out how to better ourselves. It’s nice to be reminded that you’ll be strolling along with the best intentions when life and the real world will pop out from behind a bush or partition and kick you in the spine. Gotta be ready for that.

Thank you, comics, for reminding us all of the inevitability of getting ambushed from behind!

Good lookin’ out.


On second thought, this could be a cry for help. Comics industry, are you okay? Do we need to call someone? If you need assistance, next week have your covers featuring characters blinking twice. That’s how we’ll know.

Poor comics industry. I told you that you were hanging with a bad crowd.

~C

Another Super Helpful Band Name Master List

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On occasion, my group of friends and I will say something and go “Golly! That would make a neato band name!”

We then form that band and play at the Riverdale High Pep Rally (Go Bulldogs). We look over and everyone has a good laugh as we catch Principal Weatherbee boogieing down! Meanwhile, there’s a commotion from the hall! Seems Miss Beazley caught Jughead in the pantry again!

Oh Jughead…

Seriously, Jughead. Get help, my dude.

Anyway, here is the second part of my ever growing list of band names that I actually have the forethought or sobriety to jot down. Enjoy!

  • Refugees Louise
  • Karmic Institution
  • The ILLbillies
  • MOOD (Melancholy Observations On Death)
  • Corn Dog Nuggets
  • Band Wanton
  • Gesticular Torsion
  • Pop, Lock and Crocs
  • Chug o’ War
  • #800000 V
  • President Weevil
  • Guy’s Flavor Town Hall
  • Professional Rossplayers
  • Barely Normal Activity
  • Galbladder
  • We Read Books
  • Towel Whip Assassin
  • Larry Berry’s Dairy Prairie
  • Karaoke Dokey!
  • The Waluigi Preservation Society
  • The Captain and Two Neals
    • Now FINDING two Neals might be tough for some people. I suggest just starting the band and then legally changing your name.
  • [Randall, Put the Band’s Logo Here Later]
  • Paper Wait
  • Aspic
  • Indie Group That Uses Big Words In Our Songs
  • Ass & Avocados
  • We Aren’t Real People
  • Thanos’s Ash Tray
    • Too soon?
  • Rocky Horror Powerpoint
  • Frankenstein`s Security Deposit
  • Bitin’ Wachootoos
  • Frijole Moly!
  • Eggs Cumberbatch
  • Grapple Pie
  • The What
  • The Why
  • The When
  • The How
  • The Where
  • The WhoWhatWhenWhereWhyHow
  • I’ll Be Bach
  • Here Today, Gone Tamale
  • Anti-Cripes
  • LED Orchestra
  • Three Random Bitches
  • Clog Cabin
  • Green Cockle Denomination
  • Foot Test Massage
  • Beast N’ Cheddar
  • Absolue Lack of Musical Ability (ALMA)
  • Alt-F4
  • Alt128701
  • Noir for Kids
    • With hits like “Jimmy Twitch ain’t gonna snitch” and “Who’s in the Trunk, Who’s at the Pier”
  • Elon’s Musk
  • Toy Hearse
  • (the) cold smoke
  • Pill-O-Talk
  • Bran’s Parachute
  • Lucky Harms
  • Yeet & Sour
  • Iron Laden
  • Trolling Stones
  • High Ground
  • When Doves Sigh all passive aggressively, y’know? Like they want you to know they’re mad, but they won’t just say that.

 

And there you have it! Select your favorite and then go bring music to whatever venue will be willing to give you drink tokens or a handful of crumpled ones to play for them!

Also, still #TeamVeronica.

~C

MORDOR KOMBAT II: The Two Slaughters

A long time ago, I did a blog post about “what if Lord of the Rings was a stylized fighting game a la Mortal Kombat?” It was a completely dumb post, nobody read it, and it contributed nothing to the community.

…….

……….Anyway, here’s MORDOR KOMBAT II


 

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Frodo Baggins
  • Frodo sticks exclusively to kick-based attacks, showing off his powerful gams he’s developed from walking most of the way across Middle Earth. Seriously, he may be small but after all that walking this Hobbit got thighs like an Instagram fitness model.
  • Fatality: Frulk Smash! – Frodo notices that his opponent somehow stole his ring, which causes him to squeal with rage and grow to enormous size, his muscles expanding to match his new-found stature. Now a 4-foot tall behemoth, Frodo pounds his opponent into oblivion.

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Breaking Coverage: Batman’s Nemesis

Well folks, it’s happened: The most ambitious crossover in history has hit the shelves. That’s right. Archie Meets Batman ’66 is finally here.

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Damn, Batman… chill.

Here we have some innocent teens in the 1960s just trying to have band practice and then BAM, in swoops Adam  West and a guy in man-panties and now Archie has to explain to his dad why the shed’s window is smashed. I mean look at them all, they’re terrified. What the hell did they do to deserve such swift, brutal justice?

Wait, hold on.

archie bats

Okay, so Jughead totally did something.
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Breaking Coverage: Amazing Spider-Man #800

No I am not here to talk about how this issue has a metric TON of different covers.

800 all covers

I’ve also decided I’m not gonna talk about how out of that myriad of covers, half seem to think this issue is some sort of milestone, “this changes Spider-Man comics forever” kinda issue and the other half seems to think “let’s just focus on this Red Goblin guy.” Seriously though, the amount of Gwen Stacy on these covers is just a big ol’ bait and switch. I guess it’s because Norman is the focal point? I don’t really get it, just seems like weird covers that are unrelated to the action of the book.

Anywho, I wanna talk just about the main cover:

Spidey 800
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Breaking Coverage: DC Glamour Shots

DC has been absolutely killing it with their B covers lately, and this week is no exception:

SUICIDE SQUAD lookin all pink but also edgy. I admit, I’ve never really been sold on the like “dark but also neon” thing Suicide Squad has been doing since the movie, but I really dig the dark and grimy twinge Mattina adds into the mix. This definitely works and is better in my opinion than previous B covers, like the Sorrentino run (nothing against Sorrentino, the covers just didn’t sell me). Continue reading

Breaking Coverage: Batman #47

Not really the “comeback” post I was expecting…

I’m going to be trying to do some more regular content like this, more comic things, maybe movie reviews, just things I can do to keep content coming.

Please note “trying.”

Anyway, I live and breath comics day to day, so I figure a good place to start is doing some comics-based posts again.

The real question is “why should you care?” Well, you shouldn’t. What are you doing here? You have better things to do.

(Seriously though, thank you for reading)

Let’s get started.


Today’s topic is the variant cover for Batman #47:

Bats 47

On the whole, there is nothing WRONG with this cover. It sets an adorable scene and helps build anticipation for the *SPOILER FOR ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN OFF PLANET FOR ABOUT A YEAR* impending marriage between Batman and Catwoman that is set to happen in issue #50. Continue reading

May All Standards Be Forgot

Well, here it comes. No matter how many times we defeat it, the year just pops back up in a new form with a different attack pattern that we have to learn on the fly. Multiple life bars are a pain, man.

Happy New Year, one and all! With 2018 coming around, I thought I’d do something I haven’t done in 3 years. So, let’s talk resolutions!

Aren’t resolutions a pain? Like, we’re being constantly told by people that we shouldn’t have them. That we should just live the year and not try to rigorously adhere to some promise we made ourselves before we knew what the world would be like after a tiny-handed narcissist Katamari’d his plump orange body all over it. SO glad I didn’t give up drunken political rants that my friends are TOTALLY into and enjoy hearing.

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