Halloween is approaching: a time when all manner of ghost, ghoul and monster crawl their way from the deep abyss of our fears to roam the mortal realm in search of their next fright. It’s also a time of year where Diabetes awareness gets sidelined. Spooky stuff.
In the spirit of the Holiday, I wanted to bring something up. Namely, I wanted to discuss the single scariest monster of all the catalog of monsters. One that has lumbered his way through American history, always looming just out of sight and evading capture.
Now, now, hold on. Please. Please, hold all questions until the end of the post. Yes, yes, Sam from CNN, I see you there, but please, hold all questions until the end and I promise we’ll get to those. Thank you.
Okay, so what do we know about the lore of Bigfoot. Supposedly, deep in the woods of the Pacific North West, there exists (presumably) an entire race of gigantic human-ape creatures. These creatures have been reportedly spotted, though the validity of the claims are often challenged. They are large, lumbering man-apes who leave giant footprints in their wake, hence the name. Some have stated that they are strictly vegetarian, while others blame Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) for the loss of cattle or sheep. Despite this confusion over Bigfoot’s diet, we do know they are fans of Jack Links Beef Jerky. Despite decades of research, nobody has been able to capture a Bigfoot or even get solid video evidence of their existence. Regardless, many still pursue this creature in hopes of proving their existence once and for all.
Now, for most people, a Bigfoot doesn’t look too scary. It’s a large, hairy dude who moves slowly and probably has a weird diet. Honestly, you can find plenty of those at a Magic the Gathering tournament, so you’re probably wondering why I chose to make the claim that Bigfoot is the scariest monster in a wide range of monsters. How is Bigfoot scarier than terrifying monsters like Vampires, Werewolves or Kathy Griffin? Well, let’s look back at what we discussed in the previous chapter, namely that Bigfoot has been spotted and captured on grainy video, but never truly officially discovered.
An official and scientifically backed discovery of Bigfoot would be absolutely terrifying to everyone in the modern world.
We live in an age where cameras are literally everywhere. About 77% of Americans have smart phones, most of which have reasonably high quality cameras with video capability. Drones are now readily available for hobbyist photographers and researchers. Putting it bluntly, we have eyes literally EVERYWHERE in this country. So say in a few years someone finally grabs a selfie with Papa Sas, presumably luring them out of the woods with promises of a trip to Red Robin, then what does that mean for us? It essentially means that a society (because there definitely isn’t just one) of incredibly intelligent giant people was able to exist in our backyard undetected for potentially centuries. I say incredibly intelligent, because they would absolutely HAVE to be in order to avoid mankind the way they have. They would have to develop systems for hiding or disposing of their waste, they would need to cover their tracks and develop hunting or foraging patterns that didn’t cross common human traffic zones. They would need to be able to recognize cameras and drones, while also generally knowing to stealth around humans. If these were just wild man-apes with primal instincts, there would be more tales of attacks. Heck, we’d probably already have discovered them due to them acting out territorial aggression. Think about bears. We KNOW bears exist because they just roam around the woods doing bear stuff. They don’t typically ACTIVELY hunt humans, but if they cross paths with a human they don’t immediately tip-toe away to bury their shit.
What we have is a society of Humanoid creatures that are intelligent enough to know they don’t WANT to be found and to take every precaution not to be. An entire SOCIETY of large creatures able to elude humans for potentially centuries is a terrifying realization. Not necessarily in a looming danger sense of the word, but it results in our world becoming exponentially more mysterious than we once thought. Granted, crap like this DOES happen fairly frequently, but not to this degree. If some fish washes ashore that scientists long believed was dead, society wouldn’t bat an eye. The ocean is MASSIVE, so it’s unsurprising that things may be hidden down there. Hell, Godzilla could stride out of the ocean, and we’d probably still be like “yeah, that’s about right.”
This though is a mysterious race of beings in our own backyard. Sure it’s vast forest, but look at all the technology and capability we have! We should be able to find things like this. What does this mean for other cryptids, like Mothman or Nessie or Chupacabra? Who’s to say that many of these other monsters don’t exist and are just equally good about remaining hidden. Suddenly every step out of your house becomes a journey into a mysterious world with layers you didn’t think were possible. Your own backyard becomes a possible staging ground for ghosts, goblins, gremlins and ghouls. Possibly even your own home! Who’s to say spirits and aliens haven’t also decided to avoid the willfully ignorant humans? “Look at them,” they laugh, “so shoved into their phones and their Netflix and chills that they don’t realize we peer in at them from darkened windows, waiting for our time to consume.” They’re around us. If only we had listened to the people we wrote of as crazy. If only we had reviewed the evidence instead of writing them off as hoaxes or folklore. They’re here, following you to work, watching you through your mirrors. They hide in plain sight, existing just at the corner of your eye, looming always out of vision. Don’t look back. They hate to be seen.
Or at least, that’s how I assume we’d react.
Again, a discovery of Bigfoot would be frightening because of the scope of questions it would leave. There is still so much mystery in our universe, and a discovery of a long hidden, incredibly intelligent race deep in the heart of one of the most technologically obsessed countries would be absolutely shaking. It brings all that mystery we often attribute to space or the ocean suddenly to solid ground. Compared to the cold dark ocean and the vastness of space, we often see solid ground as a beacon of safety, being land-dwelling creatures. Imagine if that safety was lost?
Guess I better stock up on beef jerky.