A long time ago, I did a blog post about “what if Lord of the Rings was a stylized fighting game a la Mortal Kombat?” It was a completely dumb post, nobody read it, and it contributed nothing to the community.

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……….Anyway, here’s MORDOR KOMBAT II

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• Frodo sticks exclusively to kick-based attacks, showing off his powerful gams he’s developed from walking most of the way across Middle Earth. Seriously, he may be small but after all that walking this Hobbit got thighs like an Instagram fitness model.
• Fatality: Frulk Smash! – Frodo notices that his opponent somehow stole his ring, which causes him to squeal with rage and grow to enormous size, his muscles expanding to match his new-found stature. Now a 4-foot tall behemoth, Frodo pounds his opponent into oblivion.

• Retaining many of the moves from the previous game, Legolas attacks with swiftness and panache. Many players find Legolas to be a tough character to master as much of his move set leaves him wide open as he stands staring off into the distance, hair fluttering in the wind.
• Fatality: Elfie Hottie Gone Surfin’ – Legolas directs his opponent to the nearest staircase, which could be quite a walk depending on the selected arena, but you go along with it y’know. He’s just got some sort of pull you can’t quite place your finger on. A certain Je ne sais quoi. Anyway, once there he looks you in the eyes and politely requests that you wait at the bottom, which again you do, kicking yourself for trusting again but maybe it’s time to let someone in. It’s been a long time since you tore down your walls for someone, but it’s been equally long since someone has taken advantage of that vulnerability. Maybe it’s time, y’know. Maybe not everyone is out to hurt you. Maybe you’re safe. He makes you feel so safe. Anyway, at that point Legolas slides down the stairs on a shield and fills you with more arrows than a comic convention in 2013. At least you finally felt something again.

 

• More axe stuff, and, honestly, we’re a little concerned. I mean, at what point does it become a little bit TOO much with the axe? Like, we get it you got axe skills, but please stop bringing the axe to the breakfast table. He talks to it, you know. Compliments it after a fight. Pets it. At this point I’d be willing to bet he’s got an axe themed dakimakura.
• Fatality: Toss Meh! – Gimli enlists the aid of a large, burly Russian made of metal to heave him at his enemy, while a short, gruff Canadian judges him on his form and snorts things like “oh, so you’ll just fastball anybody these days, huh?” Gimli then belly flops directly onto his opponent, engulfing them in his beard, where they are never seen or heard from again.

 

• More sweat! More shouting! More broken toes! This Aragorn fights like a man with everything on the line, including the whole of humanity and eight remaining foot phalanges! He fights for his people! He fights for honor! He fights for an odd love of small people! Hail to the king, baby.
• Fatality: Strider Psyched! – Aragorn makes his opponent believe he has been slain, falling to his death off the edge of the arena. Everyone’s real sad about, especially the ladies (and Gimli). As his opponent celebrates, BOOM in rushes Aragorn with a whole friggin fortress worth of people. At this point, his opponent gets stabbed more than the guy who makes puns in a maximum security prison. Everyone is super happy Aragorn is back, especially the ladies (and Gimli).

 

• Gandalf is back and brighter than ever. He’s slinging magic at you with a renewed fury with magic that is WHITER THAN EVER…. but like, the actual color. Come on, this isn’t a race thing. I mean, it’s Middle Earth. It has the ethnic diversity of Parkersburg, West Virginia.
• Fatality: SBLII – Gandalf unleashes a barrage of attacks meant to eviscerate and maim. His opponent preps for doom only to find they are still intact. They look down and find their garments are incredibly fresh and sparkling clean. They look back to Gandalf who is actually David Harbour in a white beard. It’s a Tide ad.

 

• Not much of a direct fighter, Gollum spends much of his time keeping his distance, attacking his opponent from a range with rocks and potatoes and hissing. Gollum features two separate stances, one where he playfully smacks his opponent against a rock while singing, the other where he is much more ferocious and spends much of the battle adding the letter “s” to words that don’t typically have an “s” in them.
• Fatality: Split Personality – Gollum begins arguing with himself over what to do with his wounded opponent. The rapid shifting of the camera eventually causes his opponent’s body to contort and bend, twisting them into a pretzel knot.

 

• A weapon-based fighter, Wormtongue is deadly when equipped with his chosen weapon: a Theoden club. Swinging his elderly cudgel, Wormtongue dishes out some serious damage as brittle bones and Bengay-layered skin slap across the faces of all who oppose him.
• Fatality: What’s in a Name? – Grima ddecides it’s high time his opponent learns the real reason he is called “Wormtongue.” His opponent promptly withdraws from the tournament and goes home. As time goes by, those close to his opponent will stop hearing from them as much, nor will they see them out and about. His opponent is now a shut-in and just can’t bear the outside world.

 

• Who let this guy have a horse? Seriously, I don’t think that’s in the rules of the tournament. I mean, we got one dude who is literally just a shriveled Hobbit with a heroin addiction. How is he supposed to go against Dredd on a horse? It just ain’t cricket.
• Fatality: IMDB Page Grab Bag – Eomer reaches deep into the his connection to a myriad of individuals spread across the multiverse. The cool thing about this Fatality is that it might be something different every time. One time a giant space ship that looks like an over-compensating flying saucer might come in and blast his opponent to ashes. Or maybe he’ll whip out to M16’s and blast away. OR maybe he’ll even strand his opponent on a haunted ship where dime-store Edward Norton wants to steal their soul. The possibilities are delightfully endless!

 

• Utilising mainly brash ambushes and sword finesse, Faramir fights like a man with severe daddy issues! Perhaps related, many of his special moves draw energy from a deep well of emotions from years of having severe daddy issues! Faramir wants to show his opponent that he came here to kick butts and get hugs from his father…
• Fatality: Creative License – Faramir divides into two copies of himself: One from the film world and one from the book world. The two individuals look and act dramatically different. Book Faramir chastises Movie Faramir for how he treated Smeagol back at Henneth Annun, while Film Faramir simply rolls his eyes and gripes out something about “Father would have LOVED you…” Eventually, they both lock eyes on their opponent and find something they agree on. A flurry of swords and arrows turns the opponent into salsa.

 

• I mean nothing hurts quite like literally getting smacked in the face by a sentient tree. Treebeard is definitely not the fastest character, but he is able to dole out HUGE amounts of damage once he closes the gap and is able to go full whomping willow.
• Fatality: Old Entish – Treebeard, being naturally adverse to taking life, decides that instead of dismembering his opponent by ramming splintery logs up their anus, he is instead going to simply tell his exhausted opponent a story. He begins recounting his favorite tale from when he was just a sapling: a story about a young spruce who winds up in a tropical land with strange trees and has to find his way back home. After a few days pass, Treebeard reaches the portion of the story where the tree first realizes he is no longer in his home forest. His opponent, however, has died of dehydration.

 

• Just a shitty Ice-Climbers clone, really.
• Fatality: Elevensies – Merry and Pippin have honestly been out doing the tournament fighting thing too long and have missed most of the 114 meals that Hobbits are supposed to consume a day (though not after midnight, like the old Chinese man warned). They are STARVING and wouldn’t you know it, lo and behold a giant turkey leg standing before them. Once they make it about halfway through the delicious haunch, their energy returns, their minds become less fogged with the hangries, and the hunger-induced hallucinations subside. Merry and Pippin look at each other over the half-consumed body of their opponent, and after a gleefully entertaining argument, decide it’s best not to let anything go to waste. Afterall, they don’t really make Tupperware big enough, do they?

 

• RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-boom
• Fatality: He da bomb – Underpants Uruk-hai doesn’t really have much BESIDES a fatality. He enters and begins running toward the opposite end of the screen. If he gets there, he goes full Voltorb, igniting a stack of explosive barrels and opening the way for a hoard of orcs that trample the opponent like his name was Mufasa.

• Half mini-boss battle, half mini-game. Saruman never actually comes down from his tower to attack the player. Instead, you spend the entirety of the battle wrecking his shit to piss him off. Beat up his orcs, slash his tires, trench his yard, all that good stuff. Meanwhile, he stands at one of his balconies and shouts at you to get off his property and that the neighborhood was fine until your family moved  in.

• Sure, yeah, he looks sweet and nice, until he decides he doesn’t like you or you’re movin’ in on his Frodo territory. Sam’s moves are deceptively subtle, as he influences those around you to ensnare and enslave you, and he aggressively judges and chastises you for not recognizing his hobbity terms for stuff. In the end, you leave the battle full of shame and wondering where all his holier-than-thou hero stuff went. Also, he has some gardening-themed attacked. Yeah, they’re about as exciting as they sound….