Well, here it comes. No matter how many times we defeat it, the year just pops back up in a new form with a different attack pattern that we have to learn on the fly. Multiple life bars are a pain, man.

Happy New Year, one and all! With 2018 coming around, I thought I’d do something I haven’t done in 3 years. So, let’s talk resolutions!

Aren’t resolutions a pain? Like, we’re being constantly told by people that we shouldn’t have them. That we should just live the year and not try to rigorously adhere to some promise we made ourselves before we knew what the world would be like after a tiny-handed narcissist Katamari’d his plump orange body all over it. SO glad I didn’t give up drunken political rants that my friends are TOTALLY into and enjoy hearing.

But here’s the thing, resolutions don’t HAVE to be some daunting thing that leaves us feeling miserable when December 31st rolls around. They can be achievable and rewarding, you just have to do what people who move to Kansas do and just drastically lower your standards. I know it seems tough, but I’m here to help.

Are you the type of person that plays Lego Video Games because you just NEED a platinum trophy, but all the other games have “hard mode” trophies or *gasp* require you to play MULTIPLAYER? Do you find yourself wanting your dream job, but really wanting it to be handed directly to you by some sort of mystical “Executive Positions at Disney” Fairy? Did you vote for Gary Johnson? Then I have great news! I have a list of 25 EXTREMELY EASY New Years Resolutions that won’t require you to exert yourself too much.

Here Goes:

1. I really want some new experiences in my life… I think this year, my goal is to see a cloud at some point.
2. I resolve to never split a quart of Egg Drop Soup with a Tibetan Monk while Harvey Weinstein gives us his side of things.
3. I promise to NEVER BE LIKE HARVEY WEINSTEIN. (Seriously… Not hard….)
4. I’m going to be focusing on my health this year, so my promise to myself is to get at least 8 hours of sleep a year.
5. I vow to do something objectively awful with my position of power and force the minority that is my remaining supporters to scramble and fumble with inane explanations of how my horrible act is somehow a good idea that will benefit the country as a whole and that I am not a bad person, the people who think so are just weak somehow. (I gotchu, T-Dawg)
6. This year, I want to make sure I paint from time to time…. Oops, “pants,” I meant. I want to make sure I wear pants from time to time.
7. I was a mess last year, I’ll be the first to admit it. So this year, I will NEVER reenact the birthday cake scene from Sixteen Candles with Edward Snowden in a Vatican broom closet… No matter how right it feels.
8. Dammit, I’ll say what we’re ALL thinking: I promise to have at least one impure thought this year. WE’RE ONLY HUMAN, PEOPLE!
9. I really need to run more often…. This year, I’m gonna make sure to run a faucet or a dishwasher or a dryer or a car at least once every three months.
10. I promise to tell at least one person how I’m the Immortal Iron Fist if I am indeed the Immortal Iron Fist.
11. Look, it’s not gonna be easy, but we need to all be on board: let’s all agree to be fleshy lumps of meat draped around a spooky skeleton, okay?
12. CANADIAN MODE: I promise this year to watch, talk about, or think about hockey at some point.
13. ENGLISH MODE: I promise this year to watch, talk about, or think about football at some point.
14. LUKE SKYWALKER MODE: I promise this year to harvest, drink or think about green tiddy milk at least once.
15. I solemnly swear that this year, I will have thumbs!… Wait, what if there’s some sort of accident? I solemnly swear that this year I will have appendages…. and a head…. maybe a torso.
16. This year I will finally call that Chris guy back, he seems really witty and cool and like he’d be a great pal. (I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT, JON BERNTHAL, WE COULD BE BROS, PLAY KICKBALL OR SOMETHING, CALL ME)
17. I just need to cut back on the drinking…. This year, I’m going to drink less than 2873 gallons of alcohol. It’s time I get back control.
18. I promise to not talk about Fight Club.
19. I promise to NOT. TALK. ABOUT. FIGHT CLUB.
20. This year I think i’ll become a Marketer. Or not. Either works fine for me, really.
21. It would be great to have more thrills in my life…. YOU KNOW WHAT, I’m gonna do it! This year, I’m gonna use toilet paper!
22. I will not be seeing the solar eclipse this year. No way. Ain’t doin’ it…
23. I really need to make sure I never step inside a Circuit City at ANY point this year.
24. I vow to never juggle tubs of cream cheese while treading water in the exact center of Lake Eerie.
25. AND OF COURSE: Look out 2018! I plan to live every day like it’s 2018!

There it is, folks! So get out there and achieve, but don’t over-exert yourself. Let’s approach 2018 lower standards than the people that green-lit the Emoji Movie!

Happy New Year, friends!

~C