Seriously, the world is a messed up place.

Plane crashes.

Terrorists.

Nuclear Meltdowns.

The Patriots winning the Superbowl.

Political and Economic discord in Europe.

The ongoing struggle for Equal Rights in America.

Charli XCX

This is a hard time to be alive for sure. In addition to all the above tragedies, the media makes a parade of panic and fear, igniting outrage and ignorance at every turn in an attempt to fuel the fire of public discord all in the name of ratings and advertising revenue.

We could talk for days about the problems of the world and what we could do to fix them.

Instead, here’s a completely crass, childish review of the original Muppet Movie:

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The Muppet Movie

An instant classic! A work of art! Leonardo Da Vinci watched this movie once and cried jelly beans that fell to the marble floor and turned into tiny Pablo Picassos that in turn cried gummy bears that turned into small Salvador Dalis (which did not cry because Salvador Dali is a man’s man with a man’s mustache).

Seriously, who has not seen this movie. If you’re thinking to yourself “I have a friend that hasn’t seen the Muppet Movie,” then you and the rest of your not lame friends need to do whatever it takes to trick that turd into a boat so that you can throw them into the ocean and let sharks devour their body, all while laughing and shouting quotes from this movie at that poor soul (the sharks, not you… You can just chill).

If you’re thinking “hmm, my friends have been really adamant about deep sea fishing lately,” run (don’t walk) to your nearest Blockbuster or other movie rental service, remember that they closed all those things down years ago, curse your stupidity for making you waste all this time and energy running to a place you knew didn’t exist any more, then go home like a normal person and find this film online. At the time of writing it is available on Netflix. If it is no longer on Netflix, then America has probably been taken over by North Korea and the best you can do is hope that this movie is considered State Mandated required viewing by our Glorious Leader. Which of course it is. Kim Jong Un is, afterall, half Muppet (obviously).

So let’s start with the obvious: This is the origin, not just in story but also in production. This movie is the Matriarch of the Muppet movie lineage, breeding a nearly endless line of beautiful, blonde movies and sending them out to become doctors, teachers, architects and politicians all over Utah. Despite their already decent popularity at the time, Jim Henson graciously saw fit to bring the Muppets to a larger screen and wider audience. Like the beautiful, bearded hippie Christ he was, Henson managed to masterfully craft a progressive piece of puppet perfection as his gift to all generations to come.

Having been released in 1979, certain smaller elements suffer from the passage of time, namely the celebrity cameos. But to those aware or old enough to recognize the cameo’d individuals, each cameo is priceless. We’re talking Steve Martin, Dom Deluise, Cloris Leachman, Madeline Kahn. Mel Brooks. Milton Berle. Bob Hope.

Orson. Fucking. Welles.

Citizen Kane was in this movie. Mr. War of the Worlds himself. Unicron all up in this bitch. Homie has like… one line, too. Fantastic.

And even more cameos on top of those. Including Big Bird. BIG BIRD. JIM HENSON CAMEOS A MUPPET IN A FRIGGIN MUPPET MOVIE. In fact the movie ENDS with over 250 Muppets from all Muppety walks of life joining together for a refrain of the Rainbow Connection a la We Are the World.

You: “250 Muppets making cameos in a Muppet movie? Whaaaaaaaaaaat? I can quit my job and break-up with my significant other now because my life is truly complete!”

One of the best elements of this movie is by far the music. Each song is well written and perfectly fitting for the environment and atmosphere of the scene. From “Movin’ Right Along,” which is just a flat out hilarious piece of duo, buddy folk. Then you have “I Hope That Somethin’ Better Comes Along,” which is a completely sexist, misogynistic piece about How womEn are so hard to Live with which is stuPid and haS no truth beHind it because womEn are a deligHt and no one should ever say they are dIfficult because They are Strong and sMart crEatures (love you, honey). Finally, the coup de grace and a song that needs no description (but I will anyway): Rainbow Connection. This is a cheery, inspirational song about following your dreams and shooting for the stars, delivered through the medium where all millennials got most of their life advice: A fictional, goofy-voiced, anthropomorphic animal.

So if you like:

• Cartoonish puppet antics
• Celebrity Cameos
• Slightly sexist songs that are ultimately, honestly, probably true
• Cheezy Jokes and Physical Comedy
• Citizen Kane getting paid huge amounts of money simply for being Citizen Kane
• a Green amphibian life coach that will probably understand and love you more than anyone else truly does (seriously though life is difficult and this is not a cry for help).

Then this is the movie for you!

And if not….

Then I hope you like sharks and ridicule.

~C

What are your feelings of The Muppet Movie (not that they matter)? If you don’t like this movie, let us know how you cope with your pants consistently being on fire. Would you like me to do silly reviews of other movies, Muppet or other? Let me know!