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Something Goofy for Your Spooky!

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Image result for popeye halloween gif

Hey, here’s a thing I made once!

Some context: a long time ago in a state far, far away, I wrote and starred in a comedy show alongside my two good friends Joe and Matt. It was a show similar to MST3K where Joe and I would riff on old cartoons and PSAs, and we would end the show with a lame sketch. It was fun and humorous (though I imagine we probably found it funnier than anyone else).

Anyway, we did a Halloween episode once. Here it is:

(Note: We did that end sketch toward the height of the Slenderman craze and long before disillusioned teens ruined the fun for everyone.)

Happy Halloween, everybody.

~C

In Meowmoriam

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Oscar

On Monday, my family’s beloved cat Oscar (pictured) passed away. He had an aggressive type of cancer that apparently develops in outdoor cats with light fur. He fought against it for a long time, but it eventually got the better of him.

To everyone that met him, Oscar represented two things: the pinnacle of a rescued animal and easily the most badass cat to ever exist.

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Tales from the Shop: (In)Appropriately Timed Lyrics

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So here’s a thing that happened to me.

At the shop I work at, we listen to random playlists created by the other guy that works there. These playlists are huge and extremely varied, typically consisting of anything from Hall and Oates to Daft Punk to Sleigh Bells to Vampire Weekend to Prince to Van Morrison and beyond. However, sometimes they fall into a theme, namely when we occasionally have a playlist consisting entirely over covers.

The other day we had one of the covers playlist rolling and a song came on that I just couldn’t place. I liked it and recognized elements, but couldn’t put my finger on what it was.

At that point, a woman came into the store. She was nice, cute and a little on the bigger side (not that there is anything wrong with it, it is just relevant to the story).

I greeted her as per norm, but continued trying to decipher the song.

Our conversation went as follows:

Me: How are you today?
Woman: Fine, thank you!
*We exchange polite smiles as she proceeds into the shop*

♫ Oh, you gotta take me home tonight ♫

My Brain: What is this damn song?
Me: Is there anything I can help you find?
Woman: No, I’ve just never been in here and figured I’d check it out.

♫ Down beside that red fire light ♫

My Brain: Wait…
Me: Well, if you need any help finding anything, let me know!

♫ Oh you gotta let it all hang out ♫

My Brain: Oh God, no….
Woman: Thank you so much!
Me: Not a problem!

*We again exchange polite smiles. As we do, the silence of the room merely seems to amplify the next line of lyrics.*

♫ FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS YOU MAKE THE ROCKING WORLD GO ROUND! ♫

*She silently looks at me, I silently look at her. She clears her throat and psuedo-calmly begins perusing comics. I go back to my sorting job, sufficiently awkwarded.*

Damn you, Freddy Mercury and your lyricism…

~C

End of summer? More like… uh… end of bummer? (crap, terrible title…)

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I love the end of the year. August begins easily my favorite 6-8 months of the entire year.

Birthdays a plenty.

Awesome holidays.

Time with family and friends.

Food everywhere.

Also, things just seem to cool down, literally and figuratively. I feel less anxious as the year winds down. Longer nights mean that the end of the day feels more ambiguous. I feel more awake, more clear. More capable of approaching each day and every challenge with a confident smile.

Yep, this is a good period for Chris, one that typically hangs on until early April or May. Honestly, it’s kind of a weird phenomena.

When I first noticed the trend, it seemed counter-intuitive. We go to school for roughly 13+ years of our lives (17+ if we go to college), so it would make sense for our minds to fall into the seasonal habits that this provides. One would think we would naturally feel better in the summer and mid-winter. This would correspond with breaks from school, where we would go push hoops in the streets or play some rousing games of stickball. But I personally am not great during summer. I’m lazy, consistently sweaty and generally avoiding the sun like a Fox news correspondent avoids facts. Not that I’m not a summer person. I love going to the beach or pool, grilling out, going for hikes. But on the general day to day, summer is a bit of a drag.

I am more positive and eager in the fall, which would correspond with being IN school, not out. I think this is still my body being locked in the habits I developed over 17+ years. See, I place a lot of my happiness in my ability to be productive. With the cooler weather also comes a typical increase in my production abilities. I write more, create more, travel more. So, I guess my mind is still latched into the idea that the two “semesters” are productive times: periods of work and learning and mental stimulation. This for me translates directly into me accomplishing more of the things I love and thus results in a happier Chris.

The short message here: Stay in school kiddies.

Happy end of summer everyone.

~C

The Loser’s Dogma

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I don’t understand people that act out when they lose.

I get competitiveness and the urge to win. It’s more the people that play a harmless game with friends and get moody when they lose or even think they’re losing.

I say this knowing full well I have been that person numerous times, but that’s mainly because my wife is supposed to love me and not SCREW ME OVER WHY ARE YOU PLAYING THAT CARD I WAS ABOUT TO WIN I CANT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME YOU BI-

ahem

sorry.

Seriously, though. Some of the most fun I’ve had playing games, board or video variety, have been when I no longer have to worry about winning.

Let me tell you about the first time I played the game Talisman.

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Holy Lack of Strong Female Characters, Batman!

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So, I told myself I would never do video game reviews beyond the goofy lists of retro games I plan to do from time to time.

However, this fundamentally bothered me.
(Warning: Long Post)

Now, two early warnings here:
First, SPOILERS, obviously. I will be discussing fairly big plot points in the game Batman: Arkham Knight. If you don’t want the fates of certain characters ruined, don’t read until you’ve played.
Second, elements of this review will dip into an argument of feminism. I know the stigma this type of critical view has taken on the internet. Know this is less of a all-encompassing philosophical dogma for me and more just a critical scope with which to present this argument and observe media. Not that I don’t support feminism, but I feel it, as with any and all “isms,” has its merits, its uses, and its validity based on context.

Anywho, let’s dive in head first.

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My Top Spider-Man Video Games: Part 2

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Alright, back to it. My final favs.

Spider-Man and Venom: Maximum Carnage

This game from 1994 was one of my absolute favorites on the SNES, partly because it featured some of my all-time favorite Marvel characters, and partly because the actual gameplay is just plain enjoyable and filled with bone-crunching punch/kick action with over-the-top SFX. Plus, the cartridge was red and all my friends were jealous of my red cartridge.

In fact, this game holds the title for multiple firsts. To begin with, it is the first time in video games that players were given the opportunity to play as the Lickitung’s mentor, Venom. This is significant since, if most young boys in the 90s were like me, playing as Venom made one feel like some sort of psychotic badass with a lust for flesh. His play style is just so downright angry, grabbing people with his tentacly arm and throwing people around like Martin Lawrence when the caterer doesn’t provide the exact cracker to Duck Tartar ratio. And the whole while he just stands their licking his chops, all hungry and horny for more beat ’em up juice.

This game is also the first time a video game was based directly on a popular storyline in the comics. In fact, the games cut-scenes actually feature (slightly) animated versions of some of the artwork from the books. This finally bridged the gap, meaning from hence forth the video game world could have its digital foot stamped firmly in the door of comic books, as if to say “I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME, GODDAMMIT! WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER, BABYCAKES! Now, kiss me.” There is a soft embrace between the two lovers. The camera slowly zooms out before fading to black, thus establishing a future where video games about super heroes will forever be 100% true to character and will always be super awesome.

Or Not. COUGHsuperman64COUGH

Finally, this game is also the first Spider-Man game to receive a Teen rating (on Genesis), which is pretty legit. Take all these firsts, mix in an awesome Streets of Rage style of gameplay, some wicked sound effects and a rocking soundtrack written by the band Green Jelly, and you’ve got yourself a Spidey game for the ages.

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My Top Spider-Man Video Games: Part 1

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Spider-Man is in many ways one of the most recognizable superheroes ever produced. This is interesting when you consider that most of us find little enjoyment in watching/reading about a pasty nerd from Queens as he deals with life, girls and bullies. Even more repulsive is the thought of this whiny dork confronting life’s woes through a thin veil of bright red spandex. However, mix in some tasty spidery powers and a healthy dose of wise-cracking/face-punting and we will gladly overlook all levels of bitchery and bulging nerd crotch.

We love Spider-Man. If you claim to not love Spider-Man, you are probably doing so just for attention. If you are friends with someone who claims to not love Spider-Man, take it as a cry for help and set up a time to hold an intervention to discover the root of their issues and what is causing them to act-out lately. Because ultimately any argument about this character comes down to one main conclusion: EVERYONE LOVES SPIDER-MAN. There are simply varying degrees of love, but there is no hate or “do not love.” This is mainly because, like Batman (who is also immune to your hatorade), Spider-Man is one of the easiest superheroes in town for us to relate to. When we watch or read about Pete flying around, kicking reptiles in the teeth or porking red-heads, we see ourselves. Spider-Man represents basic social and coming-of-age issues that we have all experienced. Even all his baddies (which are all so freaking insane) can all be seen as metaphors for common life concerns, such as duality or paranoia. It’s what would happen if Neil Gaiman just got crazy high one day and started rewriting excerpts of a middle-schooler’s MySpace page. We love Spider-Man because he is still primarily founded in the real world. The real world plays a indispensable role in almost all of his plots and is even, one could say, his arch-nemesis. He isn’t like Superman or Captain America, who have mixed the real world with their criminal-dick-punching lifestyle. He works to find balance and stresses over scheduling issues. He misses classes and fails tests. He has to set up dates around his busy work schedule, all while finding the time to judo flip some fat dimwit who’s running around in rhino pajamas.

This love of Spidey has led to endless stories and reincarnations in comics, toys, movies, cartoons and, of course, video games. Over the years, Spidey’s appearance in video games has achieved a bit of infamy, due to the sheer amount of all the games. Many of these games can come out feeling cheesy or rushed. Many take on a zany feel, looking like someone took a completely unrelated game and slapped Spider-Man on it straight Doki Doki Panic style in order to cash in on the Spider-Market. However, the Web Head has been the focal point of many a good game, and I intend on bringing what I feel are the best to light.

Now, I honestly cannot find a way to rank these, as they are all so different. Thus, I am going to list them in chronological order instead. Just keep that in mind.

Spider-Man: The Video Game

Starting this bitch out old-school. For the kiddies in the room, video games once came in giant boxes found in places known as “arcades.” This wonderful arena for the virginal were where we would have to go in order to get some of the more intense gameplay and better graphics in video games at the time. When I myself was a wee lad, I enjoyed the crap out of this particular game when I would visit my local arcade. Granted, the machine I played it on was already probably about 2 years old, being that I didn’t evolve into my gaming motor skills until around 1993. This console premiered in 1991 and was produced by an obscure company named SEGA. It was also fantastically well received and is often mentioned as one of the better arcade adventure games of all time.

The game was a side-scrolling beat-em-up with all the finesse of a Jean Claude Van Damme movie. The point was simple: walk to the right, occasionally jumping on or over stuff in order to reach the end of the level and uppercut the boss square in his nefarious nuts. As you progressed, you would be barraged by a plethora of multi-colored thugs, each color signifying that the baddy will have a different ability/pain tolerance. Occasionally, the screen pulls out and you are left jumping on tiny platforms and avoiding falling debris before you land safely on a larger platform surrounded by colorful whooping ninjas.

Similar to Streets of Rage or, my personal favorite, The Simpsons Arcade game, you have the choice of selecting one of four separate characters. One of my favorite aspects of this game is the character choice. Obviously, you can choose Spider-Man, as well as his feline-themed lust-mongering friend, Black Cat. I always thought the other two choices were interesting. Instead of throwing down the boring card and utilizing one or two X-Men or even Captain America, this game adds Hawkeye and Submariner into the roster. True, Submariner was much more popular back in the 90’s than he is today and both characters had a tendency to work with Spidey now and then, as did quite a few characters in the Marvel Universe. I just think it’s interesting that they selected either of these characters to introduce here during a time when Spider-Man and the X-Men were the big ticket items. Seems like putting them together could make for a game that is both absurd and obviously trying to suckle at the “Kids will buy what looks cool” teat…*

*Foreshadowing

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Raphael storms the beach of Hitler’s face

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Remember that time a giant turtle punched Hitler square in his Chaplin ‘Stash?

Now you do:

Hitler

Was going through some old comics and stumbled upon this gem from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #64.

I have absolutely zero context for this scene having not the full story arc and having never read this particular book.

And I intend to keep it that way.

It’s better on its own.

Get it, Raph.

~Cowabunga

Chopped Drinking Game

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I missed posting last week because, well, I was fried and generally exhausted.

What better way to come back than a guide for how to get wasted while watching people stress of making food with ridiculous ingredients?

The “Chopped” Drinking Game

Everyone knows the show “Chopped,” right? Well if you don’t, it is a Food Network show (available on Netflix) that involves four chefs competing to wow three judges making meals in three rounds: Appetizer, Entree and Dessert. The catch is that in each round they have a basket with four ingredients that MUST be included in the dish. These ingredients range from normal, everyday things to odd and sometimes gross items. At the end of each round, the judges will select one chef to be eliminated, or “Chopped,” and the remaining will proceed into the next round until only one remains at the end of the final round. This person then gets some money, which gets taxed to Bejesus and back, but we don’t care because we’re all wasted.

Let’s get drunk!

At the start, everyone playing picks a chef. Do this after the goofy little intros so everyone can get a feel for the chef’s personality and whatnot. This is your chef that you will follow until they win or are eliminated. All rules will apply to things that happen to your chef. They are your guide to the drink. On to the rules.

You drink when your chef:

  • is in the pantry
  • looks expressively nervous
  • trash talks another player (in person or in the interview)
  • says a potty word (typically, just when they’re bleeped, but you can play with all profanity if, yknow… you’re offended by shit like that)
  • receives negative feedback from a judge (this includes both the cooking phase AND the judgement phase)
  • uses the ice cream machine (it’s a big deal in Food Network shows, who knows…)
  • discusses their background (family, prison, childhood, education, etc.)
  • discusses their heritage or nationality

EVERYONE takes a drink when:

  • The odd/disgusting ingredient is revealed
  • ANY chef says something lame/cheesy/embarassing
  • (If watching on TV) Commercials!

Take FIVE drinks if your chef:

  • Cuts their hand (or other body part I guess… but… what are your other body parts doing near the food… You know what? FIVE MORE DRINKS because you picked one creepy ass chef…)
  • Gets hot oil on the face or eyes (their sorrow is our sorrow/joy)
  • Drops food on the floor (FIVE MORE if they still serve that food…. Multiple chefs have done it in the past…)
  • Leaves out an ingredient or otherwise drastically fucks up their dish

FINISH YOUR DRINK when your chef gets eliminated. Then, once you’re ready, select another chef and get ready for the next round. Anyone playing should have a chef AT ALL TIMES. If yours is eliminated, you are not out of the game, you just jump on to another team. Booze waits for no man.

Alternate rules:

  • The same thang: If two or more chefs cook ultimately the same dish, all chefs involved take a drink.
  • Wagers: Who doesn’t like gambling? This rule works especially well when watching on Netflix/YouTube. After the ingredients are shown, pause the episode. Anyone interested can make ANY sort of wager toward the round. The wager can involve anything from “I think someone is going to fry the clams” to “I think the blonde chick is going to get eliminated.” Next to your wager you place an amount of drinks (or shots, if you are a real thrill seeker….). If your wager ends up being correct, you give those drinks. If you are wrong, you take them. NOTE: it’s up to the group to keep the wagers and drink amounts reasonable. I.e. make sure nobody in the group is like “I bid 20 shots that someones uses a pan this round.” Let’s all play nice folks.
  • Nicknames: This is just how my group works, but we like to give all the chefs nicknames after their intros. Sometimes when you’ve been drinking, actual names are elusive. So watch the intros and come up with fun, often offensive nicknames for the chefs. I’m sure they’d appreciate it (except “Chef Asshat,” but I mean… he’s an asshat…)

SO there you have it. I came up with this game with the help of my friend Allison on New Years Eve a couple years ago and have since played it many times. I think. Memory isn’t what it used to be, for some reason.

FINAL NOTE: Remember to ALWAYS drink responsibly. Know your limits, know your body, and never NEVER drive while intoxicated. I enjoy the drink, but in no way am I promoting being irresponsible.

Anywho, give it a shot (hyuck) and tell me what you think.

And tell your liver I’m sorry…

~C