A Day of Handing Out Thanks

Things I am thankful for:

  • Living in a world where I have access to all forms of information and knowledge right at my fingertips. How else would I get to satisfy my quest for knowledge with texts like “20 Harry Potter Plot Holes You May Have Missed” or “These Fancy Desserts Will Leave You Drooling”
  • Pugs. For proving that ugly things can be adorable too, you just have to be chubby, short and snort a lot. Seriously, Honey Boo Boo wanted to make sure I gave you guys a shout out.
  • Christian extremist protest groups. Thank you for proving that the sound of idiots yelling will eventually be drowned out by the collective “ugh” of society.
  • Marriage Equality passing all over the nation. With all these new rights being afforded people, our country might need to pick up a new nickname… Like… “Land of the Free,” or something.
  • Drake. For giving white guys who can’t dance the ability to just pretend to be doing a parody of Drake.
  • Superman. For being so unbelievably lame that I am able to easily determine people I do or do not want to have comic book conversations with after simply asking “so, who’s your favorite?”
  • The Media. Thank you news outlets for parodying yourselves so often that the rest of us no longer need to.
  • Donald Trump… No wait… no…. no thank you, Donald Trump.
  • Colorado. For getting the legalization train going, so that one of the most annoying subcultures will deliquesce, phrases like “blaze it up” and “blast a roach” will become mainstream, and some rappers will actually need to get cred in other ways, like being talented perhaps.
  • Troll 2. For being the best movie ever.
  • Valve Software. Thank you for teaching all gamers the concept of “you can crap in one hand and ask for Half Life 3 in the other and see which one gets filled first” while simultaneously proving that gamers are easily distracted from the prospect of new games by throwing drastically discounted old games at them.
  • Maximus Thor. For being the best thing on the internet.

And of course, I am thankful for my awesome friends, wonderful family, and my lovely wife. Thank you to all those people for being in my life.

Happy Pre-Christmas, everyone!


Oh God, My Insides…

So, I won’t be posting anything clever or creative today…

So instead, I plan to sit around, reading comics, maybe watching shitty movies and generally trying to forget about how my face feels like its full of hot wax and my body feels like it’s collapsing in on itself.

However, I can’t leave you with nothing, so here is one of my favorite things the internet has ever provided. It’s called “Guy on a Buffalo.” Enjoy.

Now… Off to continue dying.


Your Super Helpful Band Name Master List

From time to time, my group of friends and I will say something and go “Jeepers! That would make an excellent band name!”

We then form that band and play as Moose and Midge win the jitterbug competition. We then get a large trophy for having the “Swingingest Band in Riverdale,” but all Jughead cares about is the prize for All-You-Can-Eat sundaes at the Chok’lit Shoppe.

Oh Jughead…

Anyway, from time to time I actually write these band name ideas down. I found a bunch of them, and here they are. Enjoy:

  • Lyndon B. Zombie
  • Steak-knife Samurai
  • Butter Suit
  • Giggle Me Timbers
  • Pickle Sticklers
  • Cookies and Milf
  • Batman and Loggins
    •  NOTE: This could either be a Kenny Loggins cover band where you rework his lyrics to be about Batman or where you just sing Kenny Loggins songs like Christian Bale’s Batman.
  • Booty Pebbles
  • Hilary C. and the Benghazi Sensation
  • Zombie Gift Givers
  • Women’s Libido
  • Grave Lincoln
  • Dan Aykroyd
  • Spilled Ilk
  • Polychronic
  • Foie Gras
  • Spud & the Gravy
  • Chocolate Silk
  • Hymen Says
  • Corridor and Grain
  • Rainbow Ninja Parade
  • Captain Punch
  • Clark’s Super Panties
  • Dive Bar Swag
  • We Can’t Afford Real Instruments
  • Camera Angel
  • Bromatic Scales
  • Snape Kills Dumbledore
  • Thank You, Come Again!
  • $¥$₮€₹
  • Discotheque Tape Deck
  • String Cheese Bikini
  • Hedgehog and the Polysonics
  • Jersey Turnpike
  • Red Wedding Caterers
  • Crowdfunded Tater Salad
  • Dick Schlongstein
  • What Barack is Cookin’
  • Aroma Parody
  • Burt Peart’s Dirt Shirt
  • Santa Says I’m Poor
  • Disappointing Relations
  • Kaitlin and the Pile-Ups
  • It’s Not a Tuba!
  • Kafkaesque Burlesque
  • Scrambled Dregs
  • Wesley Crusher Fan Club
  • nononononononononononononono
  • Twerk du Soleil
  • Occupy Valles Marineris

There you go. Get out there and rock the socks off some unsuspecting dive-bar patrons.

Hope you enjoyed the Archie references. (Seriously though, #TeamVeronica)