Cruise Contrarian

So, I catch a lot of guff from friends and family alike for one ridiculous reason: I am staunchly opposed to the idea of going on a cruise.

There are quite a few reasons for this. First, the sheer amount of disasters that can occur on a cruise is fairly large. Everywhere from fires to overturning to diseases, the list looks like the board that Roland Emmerich throws darts at to get ideas for a new picture. And everyone always tells me “Oh, don’t worry, that stuff rarely happens.” YEAH. Have you SEEN the recent news stories about cruises? Just last week, ANOTHER Princess Cruise liner was hit with a Gastrointestinal Outbreak, which apparently is becoming fairly common on this particular line of cruise ships. Between this and the ships that have navigated into storms or caught fire or just outright SUNK, the news for cruise ships is not good. As of the day I write this, the world’s largest cruise ship is officially launching out of France. Can only imagine what kind of H.P. Lovecraft horror awaits those brave idiots.

And that transitions nicely into my next point: at the risk of sounding like a cynic, a hermit or good ol’ Hank Thoreau, Large groups of people annoy and terrify me. I have only recently become fairly decent with large crowds mainly due to my love of sporting events, concerts and the most Magical Place on Earth, the Epcot Food and Wine Fest. What frightens me about crowds is mostly paranoia, but rightly so, again considering the media coverage we have on things like shootings and bombings happening across the world. These tragedies are very real, and though I don’t use them as an excuse to shelter myself away forever, it is in my opinion a reasonable detail of real life to keep at the forefront on my perception. As should anyone, honestly. An awareness in a crowded place that someone might do something crazy could potentially help prevent said crazy thing. However, if this awareness becomes straight out paranoia, then maybe you should take a step back, pop a chill pill and go see what’s being served at the Ireland booth (because I guarantee it’s some fantastic freakin’ pudding).

Now it’s when we put this large crowd in a confined space, adrift at sea. Here is a quote that has rung true for me all my life:

A truly close-minded life motto taken from an unlikely source, but it is painfully true more often than not. Panic and the chaos that comes with it terrify me. I am a very anxious person, and this results in a mild sense of paranoia that results in a firm and solid understanding of my surroundings. As a kid, I always had a plan in every classroom of what I would do if someone came in with a gun. I do the same things in crowds. I watch people everywhere I go, not out of an assumption someone is going to shoot me, but out of a general need to gauge those around me to know my surroundings thoroughly. Honestly, this has made me an asset when my friends and I go out to bars and whatnot, for various reasons ranging from “yo, she cute” to “those guys are about to fight.”

In the end, the thought of being confined in the event of an emergency terrifies me. Being surrounded by panic and having nowhere to go. Cruises are a powder keg that my anxious, paranoid mind can’t handle.

Also, I just general don’t like the idea of being covered in my or other people’s shit, and let’s be real, that’s the turn MOST of those news stories take…

Anywho, that’s my opinion on cruises. I am too irrationally paranoid to handle them.

~C

 

Oh God, My Insides…

So, I won’t be posting anything clever or creative today…

So instead, I plan to sit around, reading comics, maybe watching shitty movies and generally trying to forget about how my face feels like its full of hot wax and my body feels like it’s collapsing in on itself.

However, I can’t leave you with nothing, so here is one of my favorite things the internet has ever provided. It’s called “Guy on a Buffalo.” Enjoy.

Now… Off to continue dying.

~C

Your Super Helpful Band Name Master List

From time to time, my group of friends and I will say something and go “Jeepers! That would make an excellent band name!”

We then form that band and play as Moose and Midge win the jitterbug competition. We then get a large trophy for having the “Swingingest Band in Riverdale,” but all Jughead cares about is the prize for All-You-Can-Eat sundaes at the Chok’lit Shoppe.

Oh Jughead…

Anyway, from time to time I actually write these band name ideas down. I found a bunch of them, and here they are. Enjoy:

  • Lyndon B. Zombie
  • Steak-knife Samurai
  • Butter Suit
  • Giggle Me Timbers
  • Pickle Sticklers
  • Cookies and Milf
  • Batman and Loggins
    •  NOTE: This could either be a Kenny Loggins cover band where you rework his lyrics to be about Batman or where you just sing Kenny Loggins songs like Christian Bale’s Batman.
  • Booty Pebbles
  • Hilary C. and the Benghazi Sensation
  • Zombie Gift Givers
  • Women’s Libido
  • Grave Lincoln
  • Dan Aykroyd
  • Spilled Ilk
  • Polychronic
  • Foie Gras
  • Spud & the Gravy
  • Chocolate Silk
  • Hymen Says
  • Corridor and Grain
  • Rainbow Ninja Parade
  • Captain Punch
  • Clark’s Super Panties
  • Dive Bar Swag
  • We Can’t Afford Real Instruments
  • Camera Angel
  • Bromatic Scales
  • Snape Kills Dumbledore
  • Thank You, Come Again!
  • $¥$₮€₹
  • Discotheque Tape Deck
  • String Cheese Bikini
  • Hedgehog and the Polysonics
  • Jersey Turnpike
  • Red Wedding Caterers
  • Crowdfunded Tater Salad
  • Dick Schlongstein
  • What Barack is Cookin’
  • Aroma Parody
  • Burt Peart’s Dirt Shirt
  • Santa Says I’m Poor
  • Disappointing Relations
  • Kaitlin and the Pile-Ups
  • It’s Not a Tuba!
  • Kafkaesque Burlesque
  • Scrambled Dregs
  • Wesley Crusher Fan Club
  • nononononononononononononono
  • Twerk du Soleil
  • Occupy Valles Marineris

There you go. Get out there and rock the socks off some unsuspecting dive-bar patrons.

Hope you enjoyed the Archie references. (Seriously though, #TeamVeronica)

~C