For Old Wang Signs, or whatever…

A New Year is fast approaching. We did it, folks! We survived 2014. Somehow. We did it.

As 2015 rears it’s ugly little head, I hope you all have had a fantastic year and I wish many more good years for you and yours.

Now, as New Year’s Day approaches, it brings with it some unfortunate hangers-on: Resolutions.

What will you resolution be? Will you dedicate yourself to health and fitness? Will you maybe cut back on something that causes you harm? Will you spend more time with a special person? Will you finally return the calls of someone who just wants to TALK TO YOU AND TELL YOU HOW PRETTY YOU ARE I’M NOT BEING CREEPY YOU ARE BEING RUDE, JENNIFER LAWRENCE!

(ahem)

Whatever your resolution, sticking to something that you drunkenly determine on a Wednesday for an entire year can be difficult. That is why I have decided to help out. My gift to you is a list of 20 easy-to-keep resolutions so that you may approach the dawn of 2016 saying “Welp, 2015 was a weird year. Glad I stopped reading that idiot’s blog. Maybe this year I’ll just cut back on donuts or something.” “YAY I DID IT! GO ME!”

Here you go, folks:

  1. My resolution for 2015 is to never have a conversation about the finale of Lost with a paraplegic outside of a Chuck E. Cheese
  2. This year, I promise to not have inappropriate or dirty thoughts about Gore Verbinski
  3. For 2015, I plan to levitate less and walk a bit more
  4. I promise that I will not drink beer on the 31st day of February, April, June, September, or November.
  5. This year, when people ask me what day it is and it is Monday, I will respond by saying something along the lines of “it’s Monday.”
  6. 2015 is going to be a great year and, darn it, I WILL find Fox news depressing and irritating if it’s the last thing I do!
  7. This year I promise not to participate in any no-holds-barred, underground Inuit throat singing deathmatches.
  8. My goal is to see at least one billboard this year.
  9. I vow that this year I will sleep around all day and take every effort to be as annoying/perplexing for my human masters as I can. (because cats need resolutions too)
  10. This year, when I have to go to the bathroom, I am going to eventually go to the bathroom.
  11. Years of battle have made me cold and unfeeling. This year I turn over a new leaf. I vow to deliberately miss every target I fire at, no matter how many other Storm Troopers are around me to witness it.
  12. Years of battle have made me cold and unfeeling. This year I turn over a new leaf. I vow to deliberately miss every target I fire at, no matter how many other Nazis from the Indiana Jones movies are around me to witness it.
  13. Years of battle have made me cold and unfeeling. This year I turn over a new leaf. I vow to deliberately miss every target I fire at, no matter how many other Henchmen from a James Bond movie are around me to witness it.
  14. In 2015, I will find anything by Charli XCX annoying and nauseating.
  15. I will not throw a Nerf football to Judi Dench while she is arguing with a busboy at Fuddruckers. Never again.
  16. Sure, I’m ready for 2015. I’ve already decided that this year my resolution is to have a resolution.
  17. My goal for this year is to take the Browns to the Superbowl less than 8760 times. (Poop Reference)
  18. My goal for this year is to take the Browns to the Superbowl less than 1 time. (Sports Reference)
  19. I think this year I’m gonna shake things up. I resolve to use, see, or be within 150 miles of an electronic device at least once.
  20. I’m determined, this is the year that I turn the tables. Or maybe just table. Like a small coffee table. I will turn at least one small table this year.
  21. BONUS: Look out, 2015! This year I plan on living every day as if it were 2015!

So, there you go. Now if any annoying New Year’s resolutioners come bothering you about what your plans are, you have a nice, easy response. Now your 2015 can be laid-back, and free of any silly, self-imposed recipes for failure!

So, what is your resolution going to be? How do you feel about resolutions in general? Let me know!

And everyone have a happy New Year! Be sure to party down in the best way possible.

alcohol animated GIF

-C

Baby, it’s disrespectful inside…

’tis the season to be jolly!

And reflect on how creepy “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is.

Seriously, though. Dude… get the hint.

My Christmas gift to you all is this alternate version I came up with (in like 5 minutes):

Holiday Respect

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

Don’t need to hear about your poop…

Here’s a scenario for you:

You go to the pharmacy to pick up some more laxatives. Your conversation sounds like this:

You: “Hello, sir.”

Clerk: “Hi.”

You: “Say, have you ever tried these PooParade brand laxatives?”

Clerk: “Uh… no… I haven’t”

You: “Well, let me tell you they work. I use them and boy oh boy did I poop. I mean, I had the most wonderful poop of my life. I pooped the way I imagine celebrities poop. It was bliss for my bum, that’s what it was. Colon, rectum and anus all in perfect harmony like some sort of poop syzygy. It was magical, my friend.”

Clerk: “um… k.”

You: “Yessir, I couldn’t believe it. Ooh, how about those Runnington Stool Softeners, huh?”

End scene.


Pretty gross right? But it proves a point I want to make:

When you’re at a pharmacy or grocery, you don’t immediately assume that everyone who works there has experience with or even interest in every SINGLE product.

So why do we insist on doing that at stores that focus around entertainment?

I work at a comic shop, currently, and have worked at electronics stores in the past. I cannot tell you how many movie, TV show, video game and book endings or plot points have been spoiled for me. I cannot begin to list the amount of hours that have been dedicated to someone trying to riff with me about a plot point of which I know nothing about. It’s crazy to me the amount of people that come in, go “hey, have you read this obscure 90s comic about a monkey detective?” to which I respond “lul, no” and they still proceed to ask things like “can you believe what happened to his wife?” or “Man, I can’t believe he turned out to actually be a chimp that whole time.”

Movies, video games and comics have been around for years. DECADES. Almost a CENTURY for movies (going off the advent of talkies, because honestly… silent era blows). Each year tons upon tons of these things are released into the world for our enjoyment, it is physically impossible for someone to watch and read every single bit of entertainment that is in existence. But, for sake of argument, let’s make up fake numbers (hey kids, if Congress can do it, so can we!). If, say, only 100 movies are released every year since 1927, which is egregiously low (Asylum makes 100 movies every two days or so), and each movie is only an hour and a half long (sorry Peter Jackson), that is still over 13000 hours of movies that someone would have to watch in order to know every single thing you were talking about. That’s almost a year and a half of movie watching, not counting for sleep, food preparation and pee/poop (this is a very bathroom heavy post…). Impossible, unless said person decided gorging on film was preferable to having a job, which would put them at home instead of in whatever store you go to which would negate the point of needing to gorge on movies because they wouldn’t have you standing there about to tell them what’s in the BOOOOOX.

Just please, PLEASE don’t assume that one singular person who works at a store is familiar with and/or is interested in every single title on the shelves. Ask first. And if they’re not, don’t get upset or frustrated. Only be upset if there isn’t a single person in the shop that can help or answer your questions. People tend to specialize, and though the individual you’re talking to may not know much about sound systems, they may know who does.

Don’t get me wrong, we do love to strike up conversation when we can, even regarding things of which we are unfamiliar. We can postulate and maybe connect it to things we do know. You just have to be willing to make it a conversation, not “hey, let me scream plot theories and spoilers at this wall for a second.”

But if you start going off on your own tangent, or spoiling endings to things we clearly just said we hadn’t seen yet, or asking us repeated questions after we’ve already said we aren’t super familiar with that title, then, much like the pharmacy example, you’re just going to be standing there talking about shit that we’d rather not hear about.

the simpsons animated GIF

So, what do you folks think? Have you ever had someone blatantly assume that your position at a retail establishment automatically qualifies you as an expert on each and every one of the millions of products the store sells? Any retail stories related to this point? Let me know!

-C

Breaking Coverage: Batman Eternal #32

So, working at a comic shop and being an avid lover of all things comics, from time to time I stumble upon comics covers that are just humorous. From time to time I will post my “critiques” of these (I’m looking at you, Greg Land).

Just a note, I can’t draw. I am not an artist. I am not judging these covers to say I am better than the artists or that the artists aren’t talented. I just like riffing on stuff. If you are offended, get a sense of humor.

Anywho, this time is one I’ve been meaning to post about for a while. It is an older cover from the Batman Eternal series. For the uninitiated, Batman Eternal is a weekly title featuring the caped crusader. Each week, the cover is just… abysmal… Like, bad… I don’t know if it’s the deadlines, timeframe or the amount of covers the artists have to pump out, but they are quite awful. Here is what the cover of #32 looks like:

Batman Eternal Cover

Did you see it…

Dat… Face…

Brtmrn

Bats… dude… what’s up?

I went ahead and took some creative liberties:

Bat-Thong

Chipotle

Based on this cover, I can only assume the following is what takes place within the comic itself:

Ew no...

And finally, the face-swap:

Batman Face Swap

 

Anywho, hope everyone had a good weekend. ‘Til next time!

-C

Music: The Great Equalizer

I love music. Always have and always will. I was raised on it: My mom used to sing me Beatles tunes when I was a baby, and my parents used to always have the radio going when driving around places. I think this let me develop my tastes and knowledge of music early, leading to a hefty attachment later in life. My parents kept a very open mind to my connection to music, never actively telling me “hey, you can’t listen to this” or “this is garbage, turn it off.”

I love music, but I love even more what music can do for people. Music can bring people out dark times by providing them motivation or simply the proper atmosphere to handle their emotions. Music can attach itself to memories, sparking vivid nostalgia with just a few notes. Music can pull out our emotions and passions in a way where we can actually lose ourselves in its presence, lose ourselves in the moment that it reaches us, as if it belongs to us and we refuse to give it up (Hm, that would make a solid rap song All rights to Eminem and Mars, Inc). All of these qualities show music as this rooted, primal thing in our psyche, as if it triggers all these raw, instinctual synapses in our brain that lie in wait for that one particular Shakira song (don’t lie).

However, I think one of music’s most fascinating and tremendously abused qualities is its ability to bring people together. Music draws from us a passion, and we direct that passion as an outspoken love for the music that we attach ourselves to. Whether you’re writing a thesis on Romantic Era Sonatas, or just simply at CVS during a late night munchies run shouting “this is my JAM,” you’re exhibiting a response to the passion that music has built up inside you. The act of sharing this passion and love is truly one of the best things about music. Some of the quickest friends I’ve made have started from a discussion of music, realizing we both appreciate the same genre/band/artist/style (from here on “G/B/A/S”) , and sharing that passion. Playing music at work and someone recognizes a song and gets excited. Walking around somewhere and notice that multiple people get a little happier when a certain song comes on. I find so much delight in watching just how happy music can make people and how much happier they are when they find someone to share it with. They just light up, as if someone complimented their child or just handed them a signed copy of The Room (signed by Greg Sestero, not Tommy).

As with many things, there is a dark side to this passion. People often use their own personal passions as reasons to despise certain types of music and even hate on the people who like those genres or simply don’t like their own adopted genres. It happens all the time. For example, Jim likes country and hates metal, while Roy loves metal and hates country. Jim is indifferent to Roy’s tastes, but Roy now decides to not associate with Jim simply because they have opposing tastes. Plot twist: those two guys are brothers and they grow old and die never knowing anything about the other’s life all because Roy had to go and be a total dick about it.

Okay, that might be a bit extreme…

But it truly does happen, and I know you’ve either had a friend who felt this way or even possibly felt this way yourself. The type of person that dramatically acts disgusted whenever a certain G/B/A/S comes on the radio or possibly is even brought into conversation. The kind of person that actively considers the contents of someone’s CD/MP3 collection as qualifiers of their date-ability (I’m looking at you, Lorelai Gilmore). The type of person who would totally go to a record shop and actively try to sway the opinions of strangers who happened to express interest in a G/B/A/S they were opposed to. This kind of behavior is bad and just kind of dumb.

And as with a lot of things like this, if you’re thinking “I don’t know anyone like that,” than it is very likely that it’s you. Seek help.

Or you have no friends. In which case, sorry…

Now, I myself honestly and truly like/appreciate all forms of music. I honestly do. I have my go to genres, but I will sit and actively listen to anything of anywhere. I don’t expect everyone to be this way. For most people with more refined tastes and who are not indecisive jerks like yours truly, certain things will just be hard or even impossible to enjoy. Some people will never like pop music, while others may just never truly understand dubstep. It’s all good, dudes. It doesn’t matter if you actually don”t like a certain G/B/A/S, you do you. What matters is how you react and treat people when in proximity to that G/B/A/S, and I think this comes from an acceptance of the one fundamental truth of music: There is no bad music. What I mean is as long as someone’s perception of that music is good, then it is good music. Now, obviously there is music that might not qualify as “good” on a scholarly level, and that’s fine if you want to bring up death metal or pop or whatever else in your class essay on “The Death of Complex Melody: or why I’m such a pretentious douche,” then you go right ahead. But the real purpose of music isn’t melody, it isn’t complexity, it isn’t danceability, it isn’t resonance or cadences or fifths or harmony or lyrical quality or key changes. It is one simple thing: to trigger an emotional response. To make someone happy. To tap into your ennui. To help you rage against some kind of tool containing one or more parts that uses energy to perform some kind of action. To entertain us. To plug into our emotions in whatever way. Even songs considered “bad” on a scholarly level succeed in entertaining at least someone somewhere, and thus there is no bad music. A “bad” song would be something like one sustained, mechanical tone played over the sound of Styrofoam being rubbed together while a man with a goiter recites the script to Face/Off and arrhythmically slaps the growth on his neck with a spoon covered in mayonnaise, but EVEN THEN there would probably be some subculture somewhere that found that awesome. Websites would start popping up, subreddits would be formed. It would still illicit a response.

Bad music is a myth we create in our own minds because we don’t want to accept that someone gets something that we don’t. That someone out there likes a G/B/A/S that we just can’t wrap our heads around. That doesn’t trigger the response we desire. That we can’t feel passionate towards. It’s egotistical and envious. And thus, the concept needs to stop. So I challenge you, if there is a particular G/B/A/S that you are completely opposed, and you happen to find someone who loves it, strike up a convo. Ask them what they like about it. Tell them you just can’t get into it and why. Because I guaranty, in doing so, you’ll find common ground. Some G/B/A/S that you do both like, or even something they appreciate in music that sparks in you a G/B/A/S that you can share with them. And then their knowledge and appreciation of music is a little bigger. And the world is a little brighter.

So what do you guys think? Is this overly pretentious or just underly intelligent? Would you say you have any friends that hate on other people’s music? Are you gonna try this challenge with a G/B/A/S that you aren’t fond of? Let me know!

~C

NOTE: Any Genres I used in examples were simply because they are usually the most common to get referenced in arguments of that nature. The examples don’t reflect my personal opinions. Just clearing that up.

Obligatory Welcome Post – Code: H247-5Z

So, this is it. This it is. My blog.

Now, the sites around the interwebs about starting a blog stick to one credo: write what you know. Which is super good advice.

Oh wait, I know nothing…

Crap, well, I’ll just write about nothing. I’ll make the Seinfeld of blogs. Only it will be like one of those Kramer heavy episodes where everyone is kind of like “okay, this is goofy and all, but what is George up to?”

This blog is mainly going to be my musings on whatnot, random tidbits, Comic stuff, Movie stuff, Tabletop stuff, goofy attempts at being funny that will inevitably fail, and maybe occasional bits of good advice or deep thinking (well… “deep”).

What you should know about me: I am currently on a journey of discovery to figure out what my place in life is going to be. Recently, I quit my standard 9 to 5 job so that I could have more time to write and flex my creative muscles and try to make something out of nothing. Another thing to know is that I have an overflowing cup of aspirations for everything from being a comedian to owning a food truck to living in a shack on the beach and selling shells for a living (hence the blog title of my self-imposed nickname “The Everything Kid”). These aspirations, I believe, are my way of escaping a deep-rooted, sometimes crippling depression that I’ve dealt with for years. I haven’t really said this to many aside from my beautiful fiance, Tee, but I feel like it’s time to call it what it is. Now, I’m not saying this to rope in some sympathy or pity, quite the opposite. My condition is part of my journey, and is one of the main motivators in taking the steps to be where I am today. Working where I was took my depression into overdrive, causing me to feel angry all the time and hurting my relationships with people around me. It also sapped all motivation from me each and every day, leaving me feeling empty and sluggish. Thus, I had to step away and find something else. I don’t see Depression as a weakness or an excuse, I see it as a challenge. It’s my Everest. This is me climbing it.

[As a side note, I hold no contempt to the company and people I worked with. They are all beautiful, wonderful people, and I wish them the best of luck. The work itself was just rough and forced me into negative situations far too often.]

I am so grateful to my fiance for supporting me in this decision, and I aim to make her proud and make this whole thing worthwhile. We’ll see though. It could all go south, just be a complete flop. But at the same time, failure is always a constant threat no matter what we do. There is always a chance that a big endeavor won’t work out. There are always going to be smaller failures in any activity/hobby/job/criminal enterprise, regardless of how good you believe you are. I would rather attempt to live my life the way I want than avoid it out of fear, even if failure is the end result. Better to be trapped in an office and say “well, I gave it my best go,” than to be staring out the window, wondering what could have been.

This blog is my outlet for whatever I need it to be. I don’t expect people to read it, but I appreciate if you do. Just a point: I won’t be posting much about projects or anything that I’m working on. I don’t like being too noisy about things I’m trying to produce just in case and because I’m superstitious. As for videos and such, Tink Tink will have a separate page for those, and I’ll post links (eventually) on my Facebook. Keep up on Facebook and Twitter for those things.

To family and friends reading this, I appreciate you all. As this continues, I plan to keep things funny and entertaining, or rather I’ll try to. Just expect things to be more PG-13 than PG (that’s my “sorry, Mom” disclaimer). I will also probably be posting at least once a week, maybe more. Please drop me some likes or comments or whatever either here or on Facebook if you’re enjoying yourself. Or even if you’re not. That’s fine. Be an ass. That’s just who you are.

Thanks again to everyone for support and believing in me. Here goes nothing!

~C