A New Year is fast approaching. We did it, folks! We survived 2014. Somehow. We did it.
As 2015 rears it’s ugly little head, I hope you all have had a fantastic year and I wish many more good years for you and yours.
Now, as New Year’s Day approaches, it brings with it some unfortunate hangers-on: Resolutions.
What will you resolution be? Will you dedicate yourself to health and fitness? Will you maybe cut back on something that causes you harm? Will you spend more time with a special person? Will you finally return the calls of someone who just wants to TALK TO YOU AND TELL YOU HOW PRETTY YOU ARE I’M NOT BEING CREEPY YOU ARE BEING RUDE, JENNIFER LAWRENCE!
Whatever your resolution, sticking to something that you drunkenly determine on a Wednesday for an entire year can be difficult. That is why I have decided to help out. My gift to you is a list of 20 easy-to-keep resolutions so that you may approach the dawn of 2016 saying
“Welp, 2015 was a weird year. Glad I stopped reading that idiot’s blog. Maybe this year I’ll just cut back on donuts or something.” “YAY I DID IT! GO ME!”
Here you go, folks:
- My resolution for 2015 is to never have a conversation about the finale of Lost with a paraplegic outside of a Chuck E. Cheese
- This year, I promise to not have inappropriate or dirty thoughts about Gore Verbinski
- For 2015, I plan to levitate less and walk a bit more
- I promise that I will not drink beer on the 31st day of February, April, June, September, or November.
- This year, when people ask me what day it is and it is Monday, I will respond by saying something along the lines of “it’s Monday.”
- 2015 is going to be a great year and, darn it, I WILL find Fox news depressing and irritating if it’s the last thing I do!
- This year I promise not to participate in any no-holds-barred, underground Inuit throat singing deathmatches.
- My goal is to see at least one billboard this year.
- I vow that this year I will sleep around all day and take every effort to be as annoying/perplexing for my human masters as I can. (because cats need resolutions too)
- This year, when I have to go to the bathroom, I am going to eventually go to the bathroom.
- Years of battle have made me cold and unfeeling. This year I turn over a new leaf. I vow to deliberately miss every target I fire at, no matter how many other Storm Troopers are around me to witness it.
- Years of battle have made me cold and unfeeling. This year I turn over a new leaf. I vow to deliberately miss every target I fire at, no matter how many other Nazis from the Indiana Jones movies are around me to witness it.
- Years of battle have made me cold and unfeeling. This year I turn over a new leaf. I vow to deliberately miss every target I fire at, no matter how many other Henchmen from a James Bond movie are around me to witness it.
- In 2015, I will find anything by Charli XCX annoying and nauseating.
- I will not throw a Nerf football to Judi Dench while she is arguing with a busboy at Fuddruckers. Never again.
- Sure, I’m ready for 2015. I’ve already decided that this year my resolution is to have a resolution.
- My goal for this year is to take the Browns to the Superbowl less than 8760 times. (Poop Reference)
- My goal for this year is to take the Browns to the Superbowl less than 1 time. (Sports Reference)
- I think this year I’m gonna shake things up. I resolve to use, see, or be within 150 miles of an electronic device at least once.
- I’m determined, this is the year that I turn the tables. Or maybe just table. Like a small coffee table. I will turn at least one small table this year.
- BONUS: Look out, 2015! This year I plan on living every day as if it were 2015!
So, there you go. Now if any annoying New Year’s resolutioners come bothering you about what your plans are, you have a nice, easy response. Now your 2015 can be laid-back, and free of any silly, self-imposed recipes for failure!
So, what is your resolution going to be? How do you feel about resolutions in general? Let me know!
And everyone have a happy New Year! Be sure to party down in the best way possible.