Hi there. My name is Chris and I am here to talk to you about Pun Abuse.
Did you know one in every five people struggle with Pun Abuse? This epidemic is taking over our society. It is turning friend against friend, tearing apart families, and ruining lives. Only through awareness and a willingness to talk about it can we begin to recover. In the end, we need to do what we can to make sure Pun Abusers seek the proper help.
So, how do you spot a Pun Abuser? Well, has anyone in your life ever ruined a conversation by dropping in a horrible pun instead of actually continuing the discussion? The sort of pun that isn’t even overly specific to the topic of discussion, just a random word in your previous statement that they decided was punworthy. The conversation at this point typically feels entirely derailed, the focus now being the pun itself, whether funny or not, and the topic is lost to the wind. Maybe someone you know has CSI: Miami or “Badumtiss” drum gifs cued up at the drop of a hat. Does anyone close to you ever go long periods of time without any actual conversation aside from interjecting puns after other people speak? Are they often found buying joke books? Is their favorite movie “Airplane!” or “Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2?” If you answered “yes” to any of these, then you may know a Pun Abuser. If you find that these things apply directly to you, then stop giggling at “punworthy” and find some help.
Look, I get it. Puns are cool and they make you feel good. Heck, I’ve been known to hit a fat Pun from time to time. Casual punning can be satisfying, giving you just enough of a rush to feel like a humorous individual and entertain others. What it boils down to is self-control. You HAVE to learn when Punning is okay.
You see, the thing about Puns is that they are wordplay, utilizing the meaning of a word or the sound of a word to make some sort of farcical comment. When used in conversation, they show two things: First that the Punning individual is taking the conversation lightly or not seriously and second that the Punner is more focused on constructing wordplay than listening. Granted, some individuals are natural Punners, and they are the most in danger to form a Pun Addiction. Scientists haven’t yet fully discovered what predisposes someone to Pun Abuse, whether it’s the presence of Puns in the home or if it’s possibly genetic, but some folks just take more naturally to Puns. Regardless of if the Puns feel natural or require effort, the result is the same: the individual you are speaking to is immediately aware of your level of involvement in the conversation or event. Thus, Punning is fine if it’s done in times when a more light-hearted outlook is accepted. If someone is telling you excellent news that they are excited to discuss, it may be best to leave the puns at home. However, if someone is telling you a funny anecdote from their day or relaying a light-hearted memory from their youth, then Pun up!
An example: You are one of five sole survivors of a horrible train crash. You and your other survivors are asked to be present and possibly speak at a candlelight vigil honoring those lost. One of the survivors is giving a brief speech, offering condolences to the families of those lost in this horrid event. They approach a point in their speech where they discuss what the experience was like, stating, “even in the moment, it was hard to tell exactly when the train derailed.” You begin to snicker quietly, a perfect thought forming in your mind. Without thinking, you blurt out, “I guess it was just really hard to keep track.”
Pun Abuse is no laughing matter. It’s important that we as responsible Pun users do what we can to help those effected by a lack of self control. Below I will list some treatment options. I hope they help you save your friends.
- Loudly laugh directly in their face every time an inappropriately timed Pun is delivered. If you are able to get any saliva on their face, the treatment will be doubly effective.
- Fight fire with fire by speaking only in Puns at any possible important event in that person’s life (weddings and funerals are most effective)
- Curse at them.
- Slap them around a little.
- Make a nauseatingly whiny blog post complaining about Pun Abuse.
- Leeches (maybe)
- Refer to them only as Punderella, Magical Puncess of Twatveria or Puns Charming, Lord of the Turds
- Rage toot every time you hear/feel a Pun brewing.
- Slap them around a little more.
So get out there and let any Pun Abusers in your life know that when it comes to poorly timed puns, you might as well be a bicycle.
Because you’re just two tired.
(Aww yea, that’s the stuff)